Dear Diary ...

As we all know, my mom has a history of being, well, inappropriate. So you can imagine my utter shock when she all of a sudden told me that *her* mother tells her too many details about her sex life.

1. I don't need to know that my grandma ever had a sex life (I'm quite sure she doesn't now and I'm holding on to that no matter what).

2. Hello, Pot. Meet your mom, Kettle.

It seems my mom forgot that she told my brother the Craftmatic story. Or that she used to tell me about my dad writing in SWH (sex with husband) on her Palm Pilot calendar.  Not one to let her get away with that shit, I reminded her of the 2nd one. "How do you know that? Your dad told you?"

Yes, my dad, who was the MOST modest told me about your sexcapades. Um, no. (He would be mortified if he had known that fun fact.)

It's funny because she recently got her old diaries back (she didn't remember giving them to me back in high school either) and keeps talking about how she didn't remember things as they happened.

Also, I finally got up the nerve to read my baby book to her -- the part where it says I was induced after 2 weeks, not a month. "Well, they gave me a pill." Um, OK, yes then?

I just wish she had always kept a diary. I think her self perception would be VERY different and she might start piecing together some of the puzzle that is SJS.

Luckily for all of us, I've kept a diary for her here.

Stuck in the Middle With You

One morning, my mom, my daughter and I went out for a Girls Breakfast.  We were just chatting about the usual stuff when I got a message that my best friend -- who was pregnant at the same time as me and due that day -- had just given birth. Yay! So fun!

So my mom asked about the name. "Oh, they named her after his grandma. So her middle name is his mom's maiden name and her first daughter's middle name is her mom's maiden name."

"I think that's so stupid that people do that."

"Wait. Do what now?"

"Use a maiden name as a middle name."

Here is where I had to pause. Sometimes when you talk to my mom, you get the feeling that *you're* crazy, but then you realize that, no, she is.

"What are you talking about? I just gave my son a middle name based on his dad's grandma's maiden name. And I told you all of that when he was born [2 weeks prior]!"

She became totally flustered (but, I mean, seriously?!). "No that's a regular name."

"Crane is a regular name? Who has the name Crane besides a bird?"


And then she waved it off and I was still so stunned that we just stopped talking about it and moved on. 

Clean Up on Aisle 2

While my mom was here, she said she wantd to cook for us, which she did. That was awesome but she refused to go to the store by herself so she made me -- and my 2 week old son -- go w/ her.

We got to the store and I was fine at first and then, as any new mother would, I realized that all I could see were people's germs and then I just started feeling f'ing tired having pushed a kid out 2 weeks earlier and all.

I  told her I'd be in the car w/ my son and we'd wait for her to come out. 

I was in the car for about 2 minutes before she started calling.

"What do you like to eat w/ chicken?"

"Do you know what aisle the syrup is in?"

"Do you have your rewards card?"

So I went back in, rewards card in hand, baby strapped to my chest.

Of course, because I was so tired, I forgot to ask where the hell she was, so I waded through the sea of people with colds and such and went up and down row after row of foods until I found her ...

standing right in front of the jelly.

"Hide the Jelly and Break out the Rubber Sheets! SJS Is Coming to Town!"

That quote is from my husband once he found out my mom was coming to stay w/ us for 2+ weeks. More on what it means in a second.

See, I was pregnant w/ our 2nd kid and my mom said she wanted to be here to help us with our 3 year old during the birth. "Great!" I thought. And then she immediately booked her flight.

"When is he coming?"
"Well, I don't know. The due date is in November, but you know, the first one came early so this one probably will too. I'll know more once we start internal exams at week 37."

That, however, was apparently not good enough info and she booked her ticket somewhere in the 7th month to be here on the due date.

I reiterated that she was probably going to miss the whole show and that we'd need a back up plan. She responded, "I'm sure he'll wait for his grandma to arrive!"

My son arrived 2 weeks early.

Anyway, she came out 2 days before his due date -- and 2 weeks after he was born.

My husband is a wonderful man who has come to enjoy/tolerate her quirks over the years. One of them is that she loves jelly. She eats a lot of it. She'll go through jars of it.

The other is that she once told him she doesn't wear underwear to bed ("Everyone should air out at night!"). Not info he wanted while she slept on our couch.  Hence the quote.

The next few posts will be dedicated to her time here. There are many more stories, but I have a newborn so these few posts will have to suffice for now.