ebony and ivory

so, this morning i found out i got laid off (yeah, sucks, but it could be worse). after calling my husband, i immediately called my mom. she was lovely and offered all the condolences one hears when shown the door.

the best part, though, was when i opened my inbox and saw an ecard from her. it was all about inspiration and leadership and spirituality. and all of the people in it had one distinct characteristic: they were all african-americans. so, clearly, my mom found it in the "ebony" "mahogany" section of hallmark's site.

anyway, i imagined her message at the end would be full of sweet, motherly things. and it was -- as only my mom could write it:

Hi Hon, well OK, you're not black, but I like the message of this card.
You'll come out ahead because of all your wonderful attributes and qualities.
Love you bunches,
MOM

shallow boundary waters

it's well-known that my mother, as my sister put it, "lacks boundaries."

my sister can tell you all about the sleepovers she had in her youth where my mom would hang out and take over.

or my brother can tell you about the time -- and this is a *classic* mom story, so wait for it ...

-- that my mother told him about how she hated their new Craftmatic beds because her husband got stuck in an uncomfortable position while ... well, i will spare you the details, but know that my brother was not so lucky.

there was also my wedding day, when she told one of my bridesmaids about how her husband likes her in thongs and what, exactly, she thought about it. "he bought be some beautiful ones, but i don't like those things riding up my butt! he should wear one!"

so it should come as no surprise that when my technologically-curious mother told me she joined Facebook, i should have worried more than i did.

not only has she gone through my photos and tagged herself as "MOM," but she's also taken to adding my friends (including the aforementioned bridesmaid) as her own. and i know this all sounds harmless and like i'm being overly sensitive, but if you knew your mom was fine with telling your brother about her sex life and that the second she publishes something on your Wall 300 of your closest friends get to see it instantly, wouldn't you be a little concerned?

so, really, this post is meant as a warning. a warning to all of my dear friends that she's out there, adding you. so if you're kind enough to add her back, you might want to make sure you have some privacy settings already in place.

txting 4 u, sjs

my mom is not what we would call "technical" yet she has these amazing gadgets -- she was first w/ the RAZR phone, first w/ the Mac, she has crazy awesome cameras and she now has an iphone. the thing is, she doesn't know how to use any of it.

so you can imagine my surprise when i started getting texts in "text language" (you know, lol, btw, c u l8r -- that stuff). there have been many, however most of them can't be deciphered by anyone i know. i asked her how she learned it and she told me "i don't know, i just watched someone and figured it out." whom she "watched" has not been determined, but they were clearly on drugs.

a short sampling is below in chrono order.
my all-time favorite from Oct. 2007:

I DNR c any celebs hope u r HCG be tm in to
Lv mom

(if someone can tell me what it means, you win a yet-to-be-determined prize)

------
from july 08:

Did u guys hv a eq?

Hvnt he the tv on 2dy

Went 2 mama MIA

Lvd it

Call me ltr

Lv

Mom

--------------
and, finally, from today:

Call me on my home ph later

At the outback now

Love you hon

Mom

you can see her skills on the phone have greatly improved (and from what i hear, everyone has some issues in the beginning of iphone texting). mostly i added this one just b/c she mentions writing me from Outback. now that's dedication to your kids.

uncle mark's in town/happy easter

tonight my mom called me -- slightly buzzed on her blush wine -- and told me all about her Easter Sunday.

it started w/ the church service and how she's thinking about defecting to the Presbyterians. then, it somehow progressed into a story about her lesbian friends hitting on her and trying to get her in a bathing suit (a bit of background: my mother is 61, married to a man and, frankly, brimming with naivete). something about feeling uncomfortable in a room alone with a wolf-tattooed lesbian discussing an oil painting ...

anyway, she then goes into how many "points" her wine is costing her tonight so it's good that she didn't eat a huge dinner (she made a full-on turkey dinner for the 3 of them). and, she tells my uncle mark, she's not counting the rice she ate last night b/c that shot right through her, so how could it have counted and left any fat/calories in her system? i can only hope uncle mark had smoked his Easter doob before hearing that one.

christ is risen. happy easter.