they just start low, too

well, despite grandma's "bible trick," it turns out we're having a girl! i know! it's so crazy and we can hardly believe she'll be here in 3 1/2 months.

this news, of course, has been settling in since we found out, but one of my first thoughts was  "oh crap. someday she's going to write a blog about how crazy i am."

the fear of having a girl was swift: girls get pregnant, teenage girls are horrible people, girls might love their mothers but they resent becoming them, etc., etc.

my mother, of course, could not be happier about this outcome. there was an audible shriek when i told her the news (she also went right into telling me about her sick dogs -- again) and she has since created a nickname for the baby and spends a lot of time thinking about when she'll come visit and how long she'll stay.

it's actually been very sweet to see how excited she is about all of this. despite her lecturing me on drinking while pregnant (i, um, haven't, but thanks for the note!) -- including giving me the cliff notes from my sister's school presentation on fetal alcohol syndrome -- she's been very supportive and fun.

so, i suppose, a blog 30 years from now where my daughter talks about how ridiculous i am, how i talk over her and exclusively about my dogs is inevitable. in the meantime, it should be a wild ride -- for all three of us.

GRANDMA HILL SAYS THE BIBLE SAYS IT'S A BOY

so, to explain, the title of this post is the subject line of an email i got from my mom today (yes, in all caps).

to back up, while she was last here on her one-day-turned-six-day trip, my husband and i found out the happy news that we are expecting a little one in october.

we are waiting to find out the sex of the baby (we have two weeks left) and my mom keeps telling me that my grandma has some "Bible trick" to determine it. the email (her emphasis, not mine) she sent today read:

HI Hon:  I talked to grandma today and asked her if she had done her bible thing and she said she hadn't but she would do it then, which she did.

She came up with 1 Chronicles 27:16

My Bible's translation is as follows"  

"Officers of the Tribes: 

The officers over the tribes of Israel:

over the Reubenites:  Eliezer SON OF Zicri"

She interpreted this to mean that he will be a man of leadership and importance (referring to "officers")

and the SON means baby K is a boy.  Believe it or not?  That's the truth according to GH and the Good Book.

I don't know what this does to little Miss K, that I'm dreaming about.

Have a great day,

Love you,

MOM

when i asked her what my grandma's "bible thing" was, exactly, she wrote back:

Well she just opens the bible and points

  classic.

planes and prune juice

it's clearly been a while since i last wrote.  there was a lot to write about /nothing to write about all at once but mom came through!

she and her husband are taking a cruise soon. a 14-day cruise (which means she's missing lots of work, but she seems ok w/ it), that sails out of the port right up the street. therefore, she wanted to come out "a day early" to stay with us. perfect!

well, the one day has turned into six (not that i mind, i'm looking forward to seeing her; thankfully, i have an understanding husband), so mom will be bunking here for awhile. it might be stressing her out a little because, while hearing about flights and dates, she's also mentioned she's having another issue (you'll see). here's the email i got yesterday.

Ok the flight is ugly

The only one that was halfway decent is leaving Miami friday

At 10 something PM and I get in around 1.... Something AM sat

So... If you could take a nap

And pick me up that would b great

It's longer than I thought so if you and Scottie have plans please go ahead with them

I look forward to seeing you

Ps bought some more prune juice today

Have a good day

Xxxooo   Mom

encouragement in stirrups.

as last mentioned, i start a new gig today. i'm really excited about it and of course have some first-day nerves.

when someone had a big accomplishment in our family, it was highly celebrated and you'd end up getting your breakfast, lunch or dinner on The Red Plate (one of the many traditions my mom started). since my mom lives on the other side of the country, i was not surprised to see an email from her this a.m. with the subject line Have a great day. however, the rest of her message did throw me off a little:

Hi hon on my way to the gyno have a WONDERFUL DAY

Love you MOM

p.s. believe me when i tell you i struggled with the name of this post. too much? apologies.

congratulations! the dog is sick.

i got a new job that i'm super excited about and i've been keeping my mom in the loop since i started interviewing with them months ago. it's been a long process, but as previously noted, the job thing is a big one in our family and this opportunity is one i was really hoping for.

much time has been spent by the two of us discussing this job and the interview process. she gave me advice on what she does with WeightWatchers; i listened patiently and took in the relevant parts. so when i finally got the offer, i texted my mom to let her know. this was her text back:

Congratulations you'll have

to tell me all about it maybe 

over a cup of coffee

At the vets again Morgan is 

now throwing up

MOM

when you care enough to send the very best

next week is my mom's husband's birthday. at best, i'd say our family has had a tumultuous relationship with him. so when she asked me to send him a birthday card, i knew it was coming from a desperate place.

a little background: he has two kids who are ridiculously spoiled because their father doesn't know how to show affection without buying something. so, no surprise, they don't think they should ever have to pay for their condos, their cars or, most recently, birthday gifts. (they're in their mid-20s, btw.)

(i can't really blame them -- if i had grown up like that, i'm not sure i wouldn't expect the gravy train to continue ...)

this year, his daughters said they couldn't come to his birthday party but they did send him a card. my mother, of course, couldn't believe that they only sent him one card together instead of two separate cards, but i reminded her this was the most they had ever done, so just focus on the positive.  (ah, the benefits of setting the bar low.)

today, me, my siblings, my aunt and my grandma all got this email:

Hi Everyone:  Although we can't be together, I wanted you all to know that August 5th is N's 55 Birthday.  I'm giving him a party this Sat. the 31st, but I'm sure he'd appreciate a card if you feel like sending him one.  It's hard when  you're away from everyone and being from a family of basically 1 I'm speaking of him being an only child.

Love you,

MOM/S

so, let's deconstruct:

1) knowing how much disdain me, my siblings, my aunt and my grandma have had for this man in the past, the move is a ballsy one. (and, yes, my mom knows b/c my family also has a habit of being extremely blunt -- to her in particular.)

i have a feeling he'll actually get cards from them, but this is solely based on our upbringing (more on that in the next point). however, i know each and every one of them will bitch about it the next time we talk on the phone.

2) clearly my mom is *classically* trained in Midwest speak. this is where you passive-aggressively guilt someone into something they should never feel guilty about (you'll notice it in the "if you feel like sending him one" phrase).

3) also, no mention of his kids skipping out or him not speaking to his newly-widowed mother. nope, just that he's an only child and that is tough.

for the record, of course we sent him something (see point 2 again). my husband and i mailed him a card last week -- albeit one from our "free generic cards for giving to a nonprofit" collection.

happy birthday.

be positive

this morning on the phone w/ my mom, she told me she had gone to the doctor. for the most part, it was a routine visit, although she mentioned some worry about not being able to sleep w/o xanax (and, from what i took in, her doctor gave her some weird definition of "addiction" and told her she herself had been on the pills for last 5 years).

anyway, my mom went on to tell me that her doctor is "homopathic" (yes, i spelled what she said correctly.) and that she recommended my mom try the blood type diet.

this got us into a whole discussion about what my blood type actually is (guess i should know that by now) and how i *have* to be B positive because both she and my father are. OK, sounds right to me.

she went into how this makes us special b/c it's the rarest of types (i have no idea on that one) and everyone should be so lucky. pretty much my mother was telling me that i (and by default the rest of the fam) am a pretty, pretty unicorn.

now, i should mention that i called her on the way to work. i usually have about a 40-minute commute so it's a good time for a mom download.  our (her) convos usually take up the full 40.

anyway, she started telling me about this diet and how it's supposed to make you feel better and that, given all of the foods we're not supposed to eat mixed with her well-documented love of weight watchers, she should be able to lose those last few pounds. (between the two plans, the venn diagram of foods she'll be "allowed" to eat leaves about three meal choices for the week.)

after that, she spent the rest of the commute -- and beyond (i ended our convo at my desk) -- reading me the list of foods that are
1) beneficial
2) neutral
3) to be avoided.
 i tuned in and out of this part but apparently i'm not supposed to eat any pork or wheat products. (this will not play well with my love of bacon and hef beers.)

anyway,  the point of the diet is to help her sleep better and, for all of our family members to enjoy, help with anxiety. given that we aren't supposed to eat many of the things we love, there will probably be weight loss too. i haven't signed on to assist her in this yet but i might try it if it seems to work for her. only time and a mix of broccoli, white bread and almond milk will tell ...

UPDATE  -- she sent me a follow-up email tonight (as only she can write it):
Sari:  can you believe we are to avoid Cinnamon- that is my favorite spice and I live on it.  I may have to ignor that part and work on some of the other foods first.

I'm taking the book with me to my "open weigh in's" and read it when I'm not busy and find out the reasons and benefits.

We can have the garlic/brie bread though

love you

B positive MOM