(wo)man in the mirror

i chatted with my mom the other day. she was calling me from the mall and was clearly in the mood to shop.

what size are you now?
i'd rather not say, i said pinching the gut i've accumulated since the wedding and that pesky metabolism-slowing 30th birthday.
but what if i find something cute for you? i'll have to pick it up and i won't know what size to get.

this is probably where i should mention my family's obsession with weight. it's well documented, and frankly, disturbing. my grandmother -- all of 5'2" and 94 years old -- was known to ask everyone how much they weighed until her dying day. i eventually realized i shouldn't feel bad about my weight when being compared to a woman who was losing bone mass daily.

my mother is another one. she's a self-described former "fat kid" and it has played out again and again in her life. she took diet pills while pregnant with my sister and was encouraged by her doctor to gain no more than 10 pounds (this was in 1970, for the curious). a few years ago, she lost 90 (yes, 9-0) pounds with Weight Watchers and she's kept it off since. it was -- and still is -- a huge accomplishment and it really helped her gain (most of) her confidence back. but i digress.

clearly, this was a loaded conversation, as only a mother can create. so i told her my new size to which there wasn't quite an audible gasp but more of a polite pause, followed by you can't weigh that much. that's my size and you don't have my hips.

ok, so besides being told i can't possibly weigh that much, i thought "is she blind?"

anyone who has ever seen my mother and me in the same room knows that i am almost an exact replica of her. a carbon copy, save my aristocratic nose (thanks pops!). i not only have her hips, i also have the same protruding bones in my feet. and, just a reminder, the title of this blog is actually dedicated to some of our other similar parts.

below are some photos for you to judge.

my mom at 18 (with my dad):

me at 18:

in her twilight

so by now everyone knows about the 'twilight' phenomenon. personally, i don't get it, but that's because i never read the books (i have friends who swear they're awesome reads).

anyway, my mom is on the band wagon. she loves this stuff; i've heard about every harry potter book and film and now this (i just watched it on my computer! i need to read the next one!)

so when my friend erin wrote a story about the books and how they've taken pop culture by storm, i sent it along to my mom, knowing she'd LOVE every part of it. her email reply was worth it.

Hi Hon: How cool was that. Is this a new job for her?

He's sooo fine. By the way, the new Nice and Easy has been adding similar highlights for a while now

$4.99 a do (that's with the CVS discount and a coupon)

You'll have to note my hair when you see me again, however, the blonde/red highlights not quite as effective as brown hair with the bronze.

Thanks, tell her I loved it.

finished the 2nd book, started it yesterday. This is getting expensive. I need to go buy the 3rd one now

Love you,

MOM

p.s. i sent her the twilightmoms.com site.

the 401(k) hot tub

my parents are not known for their financial savvy. in fact, they might be known for their total lack of it. but my mom always seemed to have a better handle on things than my dad. until i heard this story.

so, currently, my mom's two dogs are costing her money. a lot of money. they're constantly sick and my mom is constantly taken, so somewhere in between is how she keeps losing dough on these dogs.

anyway, after telling me her sick-dog woes (it does sound bad, btw), she informs me that her husband has asked her to dip into her 401(k) for some money to pay the vet bills.

have i mentioned we're in the worst economic crisis of our time? have i mentioned my mom isn't that far off from retirement? have i mentioned that between her and her husband they have 4 cars and a huge house with a pond in the back? have i mentioned this is for vet bills?

so she tells me that she put her foot down "after the last time." i'm sorry, what? "oh, well there are huge penalties." yep, that i know. how do you know? "well, he asked me to take some money out while we were in Canada so he could get a hot tub. but they really get you with those taxes!"

you took money out of your 401(k) for a hot tub?
"yes, but with those taxes, i won't be doing it again."

um ...

i guess i should be glad that the lesson was learned. after all, her mother lost a house due to gambling and still goes to the casino. but i still can't believe that a) her husband would suggest such a thing b) she would do it.

it does remind me, however, to fill out that paper work for my financial advisor. and that, if we ever have kids, to have a good, long talk with them about money.

frequent flier frustrates

i don't know how moms have the power to make non-stressful situations stressful, but it's like an art form sometimes.

for the most part, my mom is low-key. so when she called me three times yesterday, i thought it was a little odd but figured she was bored.

the third call involved her telling me that she could use her husband's frequent flier miles for a trip out here. IN FOUR DAYS. FOR A WEEK. often my mom forgets that people actually have lives and that they're not just waiting around for her to call and say she can come. i might mention that this is not the first time she has called and "offered" to visit unexpectedly. as much as i love seeing her, and although i'm currently unemployed, i do have things to do. my husband is taking me out for a romantic birthday dinner this weekend and i have a midterm (a finance midterm, no less) next week. so my week was going to be filled with fun and studying, which will keep me busy.

i tell her that, in fact, this isn't the greatest week for her to come and maybe with some more notice, we can figure out a better time (i would, after all, like to see her). she sounds disappointed, but we get off the phone and that's that. right?
um, no, apparently not.

today, i got this email from her ...

Hi Hon: I just received this, I know you said the weekend was bad, here's the whole iternery, was the majority of the time bad? Just don't pass a chance if it were possible, if not I understand,

MOM
----- Forwarded Message -----
From: no-reply@aa.com
To: s_________@comcast.net
Sent: Monday, June 1, 2009 9:06:33 AM GMT -06:00 US/Canada Central
Subject: S. SPINKS 06/04/09 Itinerary


Reservations | Fare Sales & Offers | AAdvantage Account

Here is a trip to LAX you leave this Thursday 4rd and return next Friday 12th. Let me know if this is what you want..

yes, that's right. after i told her it wasn't a good week, she booked the trip and emailed me her itinerary. how? why? what?

i have no idea. but believe me when i tell you the guilt of turning my 61-year-old mother away has set in deeply. my guess is, we'll have a talk and i won't be updating next week because she'll be sitting her while i go out on my "romantic" date and while i go to school to study net present values.

UPDATE!
after emailing her w/ a compromise of a few fewer days, i got this:

That's ok hon, just bad timing we'll do it some other time.

I have to get up at 3:50 am tomorrow so going to bed.

Love you MOM

so i guess that's that. the mystery of the urgency and aggression of it all lives on ...

the sjs puzzle

figuring out what makes your parents tick is, as far as i can tell, a lifelong, rather ambitious project. luckily for me, my mom found a site that tells her.

Hi Hon: I looked this up on the internet, pretty accurate- what do you think?
have a good day, love you MOM

(no, i don't expect you to read all of that small, italicized text ... you'll get the gist below.)

You entered: Sandra Jean
Your number is: 6
The characteristics of #6 are: Responsibility, protection, nurturing, community, balance, sympathy.
The expression or destiny for #6:
The number 6 Expression provides you a truly outstanding sense of responsibility, love, and balance. The 6 is helpful and ever conscientious, making you quite capable of rectifying and balancing any sort of inharmonious situation. You are a person very much inclined to give help and comfort to those in need. You have a natural penchant for working with the old, the young, the sick, or the underprivileged. Although you may have considerable creative and artistic talents, the chances are that you will devote yourself to an occupation that shows concern for the betterment of the community. The positive side of the number 6 suggests that you are very loving, friendly, and appreciative of others. You have a depth of understanding that produces much sympathetic, kindness, and generosity. The qualities of the 6 make the finest and most concerned parent and one often deeply involved in domestic activities. Openness and honesty is apparent in your approach to all relationships. If there is an excess of the number 6 in your makeup, you may exhibit some of the negative traits associated with this number. There may be a tendency for you to be too exacting and demanding of yourself. In this regard, you may at times sacrifice yourself (or your loved ones) for the welfare of others. In some cases, the over zealous 6 has difficulty distinguishing helping from interfering. You may have difficulty expressing your own individuality, because of involvement with responsibilities and causes. Like all with the Expression of the number 6, it's quite likely that you worry much too much.
Your Soul Urge number is: 8
A Soul Urge number of 8 means:
With an 8 soul urge, you have a natural flair for big business and the challenges imposed by the commercial world. Power, status and success are very important to you. You have strong urges to supervise, organize and lead. Material desires are also very pronounced. You have good executive abilities, and with these, confidence, energy and ambition. Your mind is analytical and judgment sound; you're a good judge of material values and also human character. Self-controlled, you rarely let emotions cloud judgment. You are somewhat of an organizer at heart, and you like to keep those beneath you organized and on a proper track. This is a personality that wants to lead, not follow. You want to be known for your planning ability and solid judgment. The negative aspects of the 8 soul urge are the often dominating and exacting attitude. You may have a tendency to be very rigid, sometimes stubborn.
Your Inner Dream number is: 7
An Inner Dream number of 7 means:
You dream of having the opportunity to read, study, and shut yourself off from worldly distractions. You can see yourself as a teacher, mystic, or ecclesiastic, spending your life in the pursuit of knowledge and learning.

i can tell you that a lot of this stuff is true. she is sympathetic, kind and generous, and she's also very demanding on herself. but the interesting part came to me in a second email she sent with the subject line : Part 2. (which, from what i can tell, was the same as part 1, but i digress)

This is part 2- notice the soul urge thing- that would be me

Have a good one.

You should try this it is very interesing

MOM

so, basically, what she wanted to point out to me was not that she was loving or hyper-critical of herself but rather:
With an 8 soul urge, you have a natural flair for big business and the challenges imposed by the commercial world. Power, status and success are very important to you. You have strong urges to supervise, organize and lead. Material desires are also very pronounced.

although these things are also true, i thought it was an interesting part to call to my attention. mostly because of the material desires part but also because this -- of everything that was written -- is what she identified with most. that's the part i found most interesting. needless to say, my pursuit of figuring her out continues, with a little more insight.

(if you're wondering if i took her suggestion and tried it out for myself, the answer would be 'of course i did.'
my soul urge?

With the Soul Urge number 3 your desire in life is personal expression, and generally enjoying life to its fullest. You want to participate in an active social life and enjoy a large circle of friends.

pretty dead on. here's the link if you want to try it too)

ebony and ivory

so, this morning i found out i got laid off (yeah, sucks, but it could be worse). after calling my husband, i immediately called my mom. she was lovely and offered all the condolences one hears when shown the door.

the best part, though, was when i opened my inbox and saw an ecard from her. it was all about inspiration and leadership and spirituality. and all of the people in it had one distinct characteristic: they were all african-americans. so, clearly, my mom found it in the "ebony" "mahogany" section of hallmark's site.

anyway, i imagined her message at the end would be full of sweet, motherly things. and it was -- as only my mom could write it:

Hi Hon, well OK, you're not black, but I like the message of this card.
You'll come out ahead because of all your wonderful attributes and qualities.
Love you bunches,
MOM

shallow boundary waters

it's well-known that my mother, as my sister put it, "lacks boundaries."

my sister can tell you all about the sleepovers she had in her youth where my mom would hang out and take over.

or my brother can tell you about the time -- and this is a *classic* mom story, so wait for it ...

-- that my mother told him about how she hated their new Craftmatic beds because her husband got stuck in an uncomfortable position while ... well, i will spare you the details, but know that my brother was not so lucky.

there was also my wedding day, when she told one of my bridesmaids about how her husband likes her in thongs and what, exactly, she thought about it. "he bought be some beautiful ones, but i don't like those things riding up my butt! he should wear one!"

so it should come as no surprise that when my technologically-curious mother told me she joined Facebook, i should have worried more than i did.

not only has she gone through my photos and tagged herself as "MOM," but she's also taken to adding my friends (including the aforementioned bridesmaid) as her own. and i know this all sounds harmless and like i'm being overly sensitive, but if you knew your mom was fine with telling your brother about her sex life and that the second she publishes something on your Wall 300 of your closest friends get to see it instantly, wouldn't you be a little concerned?

so, really, this post is meant as a warning. a warning to all of my dear friends that she's out there, adding you. so if you're kind enough to add her back, you might want to make sure you have some privacy settings already in place.