a new study (always wary) has come out saying that, try as we might, we'll all end up with the same wrinkles as our mothers.
apparently "daughters' faces tend to follow their mothers in terms of sagging and volume loss, particularly around the corners of their eyes and lower eyelids." fantastic.
as previously mentioned in this blog, i share most other physical features with my mom, so why not throw her "sagging and volume loss" in there as well?
she actually has lovely skin and is obsessed with lotions and night creams. i'm hoping my lack of creme obsessions thus far doesn't make me get those wrinkles sooner. might be time to invest. here's the rest of the article, if you want to read more ...
i got a text from my mom a couple of weeks ago. she was flying back from vegas and knew i had also been out of town for a fun getaway. when my husband saw it he said, "that completely sums up everything she's about."
the more i thought about it, the more i realized he was right. it showed her thoughtfulness, her sweetness and her materialism. here's her text, which reads like a strange haiku:
Hi Hon, At the admirals club thinking of you. Love MOM
my mother and i share three distinct qualities: the social bug, the need to control and the inability to say 'no' often.
i first noticed it in her last summer when she was co-planning my bridal shower with my now mother-in-law. i was allowed some input, but frankly, i didn't really want to offer much. if someone else offers up to plan, i'm pretty good about shutting down. although, almost all the way, which is probably pretty annoying.
anyway, back to mom. the idea behind this shower (one of two showers i had, if that tells you anything) was for her to come to L.A., meet all of my friends (the social part), create and execute the theme (the control) and work with my mother-in-law on logistics (the inability to say 'no').
her theme was fine, if not quite my style: the invites, tablecloth and all paper dinnerware were covered in rose petals and these sequin things. most people who know me wouldn't pick rose petals and sequins for me, but i'm her daughter and w/ that comes a lot of 'Supposed To' moments so it was fine.
she planned games (although not too many at the guidance of my MIL and me) and even got personalized M&Ms. there was a small mom to mom battle about how the table should be organized and where to put the cupcakes but overall, it was an amazing day spent with mothers and friends.
in recent convos w/ my mom, she's mentioned the same type of pattern. she organizes something w/ a group of people (usually women) and puts her efforts in but doesn't necessarily want to share the duties w/ anyone else. however, if she has to, she'll oblige and go along with their plans, even if she doesn't agree. it takes all of her minnesota repression skills to hold it in, but she does. afterall, she spent her life doing the same thing in different situations.
i only lived in minnesota the first 12 years of my life, but when it comes to things like this, it's like i never left. after a bunch of friends and i joined -- and quickly quit -- a kickball team a few years ago, i started 'girls drinks.' at the time, i organized about 14 of us to get drinks at a new bar every week. as life got busier, it's turned into a once-a-month deal, but it's still going on, almost 4 years later.
and, i have to say, the more i hear about my mom organizing her 'circle of love' group, the more parallels i see to my 'girls drinks' actions. (granted hers is a church group and mine is, well, a drinking group, but i digress.) i plan it b/c i love seeing people and i typically pick the time, date and place. however, if someone else wants to help plan, i'll let them, but, inevitably, i'll pretty much shut down and let them drive -- this takes Midwest Guilt one step further: i don't have to say no if i don't say anything at all. done and done.
i have the luxury -- and sometimes duty -- of talking to my mom every day and it's really been through those convos and this blog that i've realized her actions and ways are like a thread running right through every day of my life.
i chatted with my mom the other day. she was calling me from the mall and was clearly in the mood to shop.
what size are you now?
i'd rather not say, i said pinching the gut i've accumulated since the wedding and that pesky metabolism-slowing 30th birthday. but what if i find something cute for you? i'll have to pick it up and i won't know what size to get.
this is probably where i should mention my family's obsession with weight. it's well documented, and frankly, disturbing. my grandmother -- all of 5'2" and 94 years old -- was known to ask everyone how much they weighed until her dying day. i eventually realized i shouldn't feel bad about my weight when being compared to a woman who was losing bone mass daily.
my mother is another one. she's a self-described former "fat kid" and it has played out again and again in her life. she took diet pills while pregnant with my sister and was encouraged by her doctor to gain no more than 10 pounds (this was in 1970, for the curious). a few years ago, she lost 90 (yes, 9-0) pounds with Weight Watchers and she's kept it off since. it was -- and still is -- a huge accomplishment and it really helped her gain (most of) her confidence back. but i digress.
clearly, this was a loaded conversation, as only a mother can create. so i told her my new size to which there wasn't quite an audible gasp but more of a polite pause, followed by you can't weigh that much. that's my size and you don't have my hips.
ok, so besides being told i can't possibly weigh that much, i thought "is she blind?"
anyone who has ever seen my mother and me in the same room knows that i am almost an exact replica of her. a carbon copy, save my aristocratic nose (thanks pops!). i not only have her hips, i also have the same protruding bones in my feet. and, just a reminder, the title of this blog is actually dedicated to some of our other similar parts.
so by now everyone knows about the 'twilight' phenomenon. personally, i don't get it, but that's because i never read the books (i have friends who swear they're awesome reads).
anyway, my mom is on the band wagon. she loves this stuff; i've heard about every harry potter book and film and now this (i just watched it on my computer! i need to read the next one!)
so when my friend erin wrote a story about the books and how they've taken pop culture by storm, i sent it along to my mom, knowing she'd LOVE every part of it. her email reply was worth it.
Hi Hon: How cool was that. Is this a new job for her?
He's sooo fine. By the way, the new Nice and Easy has been adding similar highlights for a while now
$4.99 a do (that's with the CVS discount and a coupon)
You'll have to note my hair when you see me again, however, the blonde/red highlights not quite as effective as brown hair with the bronze.
Thanks, tell her I loved it.
finished the 2nd book, started it yesterday. This is getting expensive. I need to go buy the 3rd one now
my parents are not known for their financial savvy. in fact, they might be known for their total lack of it. but my mom always seemed to have a better handle on things than my dad. until i heard this story.
so, currently, my mom's two dogs are costing her money. a lot of money. they're constantly sick and my mom is constantly taken, so somewhere in between is how she keeps losing dough on these dogs.
anyway, after telling me her sick-dog woes (it does sound bad, btw), she informs me that her husband has asked her to dip into her 401(k) for some money to pay the vet bills.
have i mentioned we're in the worst economic crisis of our time? have i mentioned my mom isn't that far off from retirement? have i mentioned that between her and her husband they have 4 cars and a huge house with a pond in the back? have i mentioned this is for vet bills?
so she tells me that she put her foot down "after the last time." i'm sorry, what? "oh, well there are huge penalties." yep, that i know. how do you know? "well, he asked me to take some money out while we were in Canada so he could get a hot tub. but they really get you with those taxes!"
you took money out of your 401(k) for a hot tub? "yes, but with those taxes, i won't be doing it again."
um ...
i guess i should be glad that the lesson was learned. after all, her mother lost a house due to gambling and still goes to the casino. but i still can't believe that a) her husband would suggest such a thing b) she would do it.
it does remind me, however, to fill out that paper work for my financial advisor. and that, if we ever have kids, to have a good, long talk with them about money.
i don't know how moms have the power to make non-stressful situations stressful, but it's like an art form sometimes.
for the most part, my mom is low-key. so when she called me three times yesterday, i thought it was a little odd but figured she was bored.
the third call involved her telling me that she could use her husband's frequent flier miles for a trip out here. IN FOUR DAYS. FOR A WEEK. often my mom forgets that people actually have lives and that they're not just waiting around for her to call and say she can come. i might mention that this is not the first time she has called and "offered" to visit unexpectedly. as much as i love seeing her, and although i'm currently unemployed, i do have things to do. my husband is taking me out for a romantic birthday dinner this weekend and i have a midterm (a finance midterm, no less) next week. so my week was going to be filled with fun and studying, which will keep me busy.
i tell her that, in fact, this isn't the greatest week for her to come and maybe with some more notice, we can figure out a better time (i would, after all, like to see her). she sounds disappointed, but we get off the phone and that's that. right? um, no, apparently not.
today, i got this email from her ...
Hi Hon: I just received this, I know you said the weekend was bad, here's the whole iternery, was the majority of the time bad? Just don't pass a chance if it were possible, if not I understand,
MOM ----- Forwarded Message ----- From: no-reply@aa.com To: s_________@comcast.net Sent: Monday, June 1, 2009 9:06:33 AM GMT -06:00 US/Canada Central Subject: S. SPINKS 06/04/09 Itinerary
Reservations | Fare Sales & Offers | AAdvantage Account
Here is a trip to LAX you leave this Thursday 4rd and return next Friday 12th. Let me know if this is what you want..
yes, that's right. after i told her it wasn't a good week, she booked the trip and emailed me her itinerary. how? why? what?
i have no idea. but believe me when i tell you the guilt of turning my 61-year-old mother away has set in deeply. my guess is, we'll have a talk and i won't be updating next week because she'll be sitting her while i go out on my "romantic" date and while i go to school to study net present values.
UPDATE! after emailing her w/ a compromise of a few fewer days, i got this:
That's ok hon, just bad timing we'll do it some other time.
I have to get up at 3:50 am tomorrow so going to bed.
Love you MOM
so i guess that's that. the mystery of the urgency and aggression of it all lives on ...
my mother is an interesting gal. and because i see a lot of her specialness in me these days, this blog is dedicated to her ridiculous, but entertaining, stories.
